This may be my bazillionth time starting a blog. Or maybe my fourth. Probably my fourth, but it feels like a bazillion.
In my search for a blog-hosting site for this blog, I found evidence of my past blogs; abandoned, unpublished graveyards of shame and what I'm sure is content that would make me cringe. I didn't look. Maybe one day I'll be stronger.
I think I've struggled in the past when it comes to the elusive ~blog~ because I get so would around the axel on trying to define everything ahead of time. Defining things like a theme or a voice or just picking a stinkin' topic. I could never commit to what I wanted to express. What I wanted to put out into the world. To a medium, or an aesthetic (lol). There were so many options. So I just ... didn't choose.
Unfortunately, 'not choosing' has become a bit of a theme in my life. And it's left me feeling a bit fuzzy on the whole "future thing". Certainly more fuzzy than I hoped to feel at the crone's age of 32. And that fuzziness led me back to the idea of a blog. Is that full circle, or am I just lost?
All this, by the way, is not to say I don't currently feel a lot of fulfillment and happiness in where I'm at or what I'm doing. Because I do. But it's complicated.
So why a blog now? I think I can use it as a tool for self-sleuthing, if you will. Give myself an open path, and see where that takes me. To choose literally the opposite of locking myself into a theme, and see what catches me, what inspires me.
My plan is to first post this post (bam!). Then, a few times a week, I'll just post anything that's speaking to me at that point in time. It may be journal-style writing (sorry, Future Self), it may be projects I'm working on, it may be political commentary, it may be just a picture that makes me happy. It might take on a shape or theme of its own after some time, it might not. I expect it will reflect what I'm really into at that time, and in my experience, that changes quite a bit. But I want to capture some of that chaos so that I can reflect on it. Look for clues on how I should use this precious time I have.
In my prior blog attempts, I would have thought that this lack of cohesiveness or direction would certainly mark the path of a blog headed toward gloomy failure. And maybe it is. But I kind of think this time will be different. We'll see ;)
